Monday, January 17, 2011
Westboro Baptist Church Attacked and Beaten
Fred Phelps and members of the Westboro Baptist Church were attacked and beaten at a funeral on Monday according to our sources. The group arrived early Monday morning lining the streets near the cemetery route with signs reading “God Hates Fags”, “God Hates America” and “God Hates Children”. This story seemed all too familiar to the many American families who have been the victims of Phelps’s anti-gay protests that often had little or nothing to do with the individuals whose funeral they were disrespecting. This time things all seemed to take a turn for the worst when Fred Phelps and his followers decided to protest the funeral for 8 yr old David Holmes who died in a tragic house fire started from a faulty electrical outlet on Christmas Night. David and his family were sleeping when sparks caused their tree to catch fire killing David and his beloved dog named “Pooch”. It was well known in the community that David was molested by a male gym teacher and was working hard to rebuild his young life. David was also a Cub Scout, honor student and enjoyed going to his church with his family and friends. Pooch and David were so close that they will be laid to rest side by side so the two best friends will always be together.
One member of the Westboro Baptist Church was telling local reporters that little David was a fag and died because of his homosexuality, also adding that he will bun in Hell for eternity for being a Fag (ignoring the fact that he was a victim). Upon hearing this, a random bystander and retired professional boxer leaned forward and punched the church member in the throat sending him nearly 6 feet from where he was standing and straight to the ground. With the camera still rolling a News Channel 8 sound man Charles “Wolf Man” Jackson hit Phelps with a solid steel microphone stand causing him to do a front flip/ cart wheel and squeal in terror as he dropped his protest sign. What happened next was un-imaginable panic as the 4 uniformed police officers returned to their vehicles and drove away leaving the protesters defenseless against an angry mob ready for blood.
The family and friends of little David Holmes turned on Fred Phelps and members of the Westboro Baptist Church like hungry wolves in a field of sheep. Protest signs were ripped from the hands of church members and many punches were thrown as the protesters tried to run. The mealy continued until Westboro Baptist Church members were cornered against a nearby building with nowhere to run and no police protection. As Pastor Fred Phelps screamed for help he began pounding the door of the building. Church Members were hoping for an easy escape from David’s family and the Channel 8 News Team, but suddenly Phelps realized that out of all the buildings he and his band of cult following cowards could have picked, this was the wrong one. It was like a message from God himself that Fred Phelps and members of the Westboro Baptist Church were trapped between an angry mob and the local VFW Lodge (Veterans of Foreign Wars). The door came open and Veterans poured out of the building to see what was going on. Several Veterans who looked like retired NFL linemen now stood over Phelps who was rolling on the ground screaming for help. The clear sign of urine were visible on Phelps’s pants sent a visible message of the panic. Members of the Westboro Baptist Church trembled in fear waiting to be hand delivered to hell from the beating they were about to receive. This was going to be worse than anything they had ever imagined. With the smell of blood it the air and the chaos that had just ensued, a loud voice was heard from the crowd, STOP, STOP, STOP!
Everyone was shocked when TV and Radio Host Glen Beck appeared from out of nowhere sobbing like a young girl who was just dumped by her date at prom after buying the pretty dress. “I love my country” and “God, America, Freedom, Rights and we need to stop this now” Beck said. The crowd did stop and stood in confused horror as a disturbed Beck began to shake and cry hysterically before dropping to his knees. In the blink of an eye Beck was on his feet and ran directly at the Westboro Baptist Church members throwing punches in every direction. He was hitting church members with fists, kicks, elbows and knees. “Men, women and children were all beaten by a sobbing Beck who kept screaming USA, USA, USA!” said one witness. “We were about to beat those Westboro Church maggots into the ground when Glenn Beck showed up and went crazy, he scares the hell out of me man, he is one fuck*d up dude” another VFW member told CNN. It took 15 people to stop a blood crazed Beck from killing members of the Westboro Baptist Church or Pastor Fried Phelps with his bare hands. David’s father posted a message on Twitter today that read “G.B. looked like a windmill of fists beating on those freaks, God Bless You G.B.”.
Although no one was critically injured 3 church members including Phelps had to be transported to the hospital to have wooden sign handles removed from their anuses and it is unclear if Glen Beck was responsible for penetrating the victims or not? State and local officials have refused to press charges against Beck, David’s Family or those attending the funeral based on eye witness accounts that Phelps attacked the reporter’s metal microphone stand with his head and provoked the attack. However, Phelps faces several charges resulting from the incident including; Public Urination and violating state sodomy laws after several witnesses confirm that Phelps put the sign handle in his own ass. Sadly, there was no video footage available because one of the protesters attacked the Channel 8 News camera with his face, destroying the tape in the process. The four police officers were given 2 weeks paid leave and have been hailed as heroes for their fast thinking and no response. Glen Beck is still crazy freak waiting for a cause that matters but today in this fake news story, he is an American Hero.