The Westboro Baptist Church Cult Leader was on his radio show today explaining that sometimes he hears voices and the voices are those of a Gay Devil who commands him to look at sexy men on the internet. A source close to the Cult says that Pastor Fred Phelps spends hours of searching the most fowl websites the internet can offer until his lust and sins are nothing more than stains on a photo of a confused young boy and Pastor Phelps is sobbing with guilt and hate.
It has been reported that on more than one occasion Pastor Fred Phelps has worn women’s underwear while preaching to his sheep and using his tax exempt status to purchase lace and velvet thongs. Yes friends, it seems that things get pretty weird over at the “church of the divine inbreeds” (also known as Westboro Baptist Church). Internet Blogger Mike Hayes has said that medical crews have been called to the cult compound on more than one occasion where guilt and shame have over powered Pastor Phelps and he was forced to punish himself by smashing his testicles with a small hammer while screaming homophobic slurs to school children from an open window.
Impotent since the mid 1970’s Fred has had little use for functioning testicles, so they have withstood the wrath of the “hammer of repent” on many occasions when he must pay for his sins. This is what Fred calls the 1.5 oz hammer that has served as a means of self punishment combined with a filthy genital pain fetish. Witnesses have said that his testicles look like a small rodent that was hit by a bus after the years of sadistic abuse. “The deformed sack with its hairless patches and scars reminds me of a legless dog with parasitic mange that needs to be put down” said an ambulance driver who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of a funeral protest.
Sadly the psychotic testicle crushing is only one of many strange things that go on behind the walls of the Westboro Baptist Church. It was widely suspected that Shirley Phelps has done private church related services with straight men in the privacy of their homes, car, public restroom and occasionally abandoned buildings. Although we were unable to confirm the validity of these claims one man came forward and said “she is fully committed to the cause” and that “love should only be between a woman and a man or a man and a few of his close friends on a Friday night”. Just what that cause is may still be unclear to many but to this reporter it is clear that we can only imagine the sadistic horrors that go on inside the Westboro Baptist Church.