Monday, January 17, 2011
Fred Phelps - Westboro Baptist Church members get anal probed by Aliens.
It started out like any other night down at the Westboro Baptist Church Pastor Phelps speaking in tongues, rolling of the floor naked with the only audible word being a creepily high pitched “FAG” in between fits of panic that closely resemble a seizure to the untrained eye. The congregation was tired after a long night of snake charming and needed to unwind so they ordered the children to put down their snakes and make some tasty Kool-Aide. After a long sermon on why God Hates the Kool-Aide Man it was decided that they choose to drink wine instead. After all, Jesus turned water in to wine and even the church elders at Westboro Baptist Cult could agree that God does not Hate Jesus (unless he was a Fag then he would be hated and blamed for natural disasters or a poor economy)?
Heavy drinking lasted several hours as the inbreed children squealed with delight. Everything was fine until the lights went off in the Westboro Baptist Church. It was then that a bright light blinded Pastor Fred Phelps and he was taken in to the basement of the church. “I could only make out the figures and their eyes” Phelps said fighting back tears. What happened next was a scene too horrible to imagine says one local official who would like to remain anonymous. A UFO had landed in the parking lot of the Westboro Baptist Church and they had turned the lights off inside the cult and assaulted Pastor Phelps. Several strong manly hands pulled Pastor Fred Phelps in to a small dark room located below the church.
“The Aliens were smart, they gave me some kind of space liquid from a jar that burned really bad and tastes like moonshine” said Phelps. “They used their super space powers to transform their appearance to look like the men of the church and then one by one they anal probed me over a desk until I passed out” Pastor Phelps told the police. Local officials are asking anyone with information to come forward with sightings of suspicious lights in the sky around the Westboro Baptist Church on the night of the anal assault. Pastor Fred Phelps says his anus is healing but he must now wear a diaper to prevent any leakage on Taco Tuesday. He has denounced all alien life forms and will protest at soldier’s funerals to draw attention to the problem of anal probes from extra terrestrials.